WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A BABY!!

(Click on the title.  It's another Bill Nye "The Science Guy" music video!)  It's time you took charge of what goes in your mouth.  I mean, really.  Is it worth it to wonder where those grocery clerks' hands have been?   And the gas it takes to get to the store just for a head of lettuce!  Gawd.  Enough, already.  Grow it right outside your back door (where you can keep an eye on it.)  Because, let's face it, you are about to become a parent.  And you're going to have children of all temperaments  There will be the normal, perfect onion child.  And there's lettuce.  He'll blend in with the crowd.  And there's perfectly round, orange-yellow, medium-sized delicious 'Nebaskra Wedding' tomato. He reminds me of my childhood neighbor, the wrestler.  All the girls adored him.  And then there's Zucchini boy.  I think he has a glandular problem.  Those growths!.  You leave them more than a day or two, and they mutate into gargantua the magnificent!  You could practically write a book. 

So, keep an eye on them, like only a parent can.  Some need more training than others (like scarlet runner beans).  Others almost thrive on neglect.  (Not really.  I just liked saying that.)  But radishes are easy and fast and fun. 

Check them frequently for wetness.  Just like a little baby.  If they're feeling puny, give them a little extra attention. They usually respond quickly to attention.  Oh, and like all babies they need constant attention at first.  A little later, you can leave them on their own some of the time. 

And you know how apes pick for nits.  It's disgusting, I know, but plants have their own nits, like aphids and worms. They need us to get to those hard-to-reach places. 

And fortify them for life!  Give them a  wonderful, comfortable home.  Plenty of sunshine.  Preening to teach them self-respect.  No, wait.  This metaphor is way, way too anthropomorphic.  The reason for keeping the place clean, really, is to remove vectors for disease, and parasitic insects, etc, etc.  And, of course, we always want things to look their best. 

And, after youth, they reproduce.  There's no need to teach them about the birds and the bees.  Then, as soon as we pluck all the children from their mothers, we yank the mothers out of the ground and turn them to compost.  Lickety split.  (Something about this image is sooooo wrong!) 

So, get off your ass and do something for yourself, for God's sake!.  Plant an organic garden.  Follow The Edible Path.  Make a difference.  Save the planet. 

Next, I'll do the metaphor of the Conductor and the symphony.  The wind section will be replaced by brassica.  HAHA  Get it?  Brassica's are all those cabbage family plants that give you gas.  HAHA